#2020 goals: Self-worth based New Year's resolutions

It’s almost 2020 and everyone is talking New Year’s resolutions. I personally consider myself an anti-New Year's Resolution person. Any "resolutions" I've made in life have often come when I feel the motivation to implement them and not necessarily corresponding with a certain part of the year. That being said, here are some thoughts about what typically drives resolutions (trying to meet some external standard) versus resolutions that deconstruct the traditional narrative in favor of supporting self-worth.

Self-worth is the one resolution to rule them all. Many of the most popular resolutions are merely a longing for self-worth in disguise. Think about it. Attaining that goal weight. Shaping/toning the body. Finding a partner. Making that money. These are all connected to assuming we will have a certain experience once we meet these goals. In reality, whatever self-acceptance we feel from attaining that weight or finding that partner is likely to be temporary.

In truth, the most popular resolutions are often externally based. This means they are often made to meet someone else’s standards for how we should present or show-up. This can happen in both conscious and unconscious ways. While we might feel self-motivated towards diet or exercise, the pervasiveness of diet culture makes it difficult to ascertain whether we really have a completely inherent, judgement free motivation for wanting to be a certain size, or we’re so bombarded by images in the media and societal pressure that we just think we do (diet culture critics would say it’s definitely the latter).

So what if we shifted our focus towards resolutions based in promoting self-worth? Instead of focusing on ways to fix or change parts of the self, self-worth based resolutions steer us towards unfolding or growing into a fully actualized self. Rather than fixating on image or material gains self-worth emphasizes markers of internal well-being, such as mental peace, creativity, enjoyment and pleasure. And what I think is most significant about self-worth based resolutions is that the goals involved actually have some bearing on the intended emotional experience. What I mean by this is that often, our resolutions are actually meant to satisfy a desire for a certain emotional experience. We don’t choose to work towards a certain goal weight because it’s our favorite number, but rather we because we assume that obtaining that goal weight will supply us with a certain quantity of happiness. Trouble is, with these traditional externally based resolutions, that relationship if often fictitious at best. However, self-worth based resolutions can have a direct connection to the emotional experience we desire. If we wish to experience more peace in our daily life, we can work on creating on mindfulness practice, an evidence-based way to lower stress levels. If we’re passionate about art and want to experience more joy and pride in creation, we can keep a reasonable promise of working on our art practice 1-2 times a week. These things have a direct relationship to the emotional experiences we want to satisfy, and they support building our self-concept and self-worth.

If this still seems totally foreign, try translating your traditional New Year’s Resolution into a Self-Worth Based Resolution. Access my handy guide to translating resolutions here.

In summary, here’s your break-down:

Externally Based New Year’s Resolutions

• Assume meeting external standards is greatest predictor of fulfillment

• Focused on changing or "fixing" parts of self

• Often emphasizes physical image/ material items 

• Assumed indirect relationship to desired emotional experience (i.e. weight loss=happiness)

Self-Worth Based New Year’s Resolutions

• Assume internal sense of worth is greatest predictor of fulfillment

• Focused on unfolding or growing into a fully actualized self

• Emphasizes markers of internal well-being (i.e. mental peace, creativity)

• Directly relates to desired emotional experience (i.e. self-compassion practice builds self-esteem)

We can deconstruct the idea that New Year's resolutions need to be about fitting an artificial external standard in favor of re-connecting with ourselves in the coming decade. If we focus on cultivating self-worth, we build resilience to the fluctuation of life-circumstance and external validation, and instead lean into our core sense of trust and connection to self. No better #2020goals than that.

Who is therapy for?

It’s hard to know if therapy is for you when there are so many misconceptions about it floating around.

Therapy is often the butt of jokes in pop culture - think constant references to “shrinks” and a very memorable comedy sketch where Bob Newhart fixes his client’s problems by telling them to “stop it!” There’s also still a pervasive stigma about mental health in our culture, and a resulting shroud of silence around what therapy is about. Many might believe therapy is only for those suffering from severe depression, anxiety or mental illness. While therapy is often extremely helpful for those experiencing depression, anxiety and other serious mental health conditions, symptom reduction is not the limits of what good therapy can do. In my view, therapy is for everyone, but here are a few examples of those who may particularly benefit from and enjoy therapy.

Therapy is for seekers, those who are seeking the truth of themselves and the truth of the world. Our society, our families, our peers all inform our ideas of who we are in the world. From day one we are often bombarded with messages of who we are and how we should be. With all these voices speaking to us, often with conflicting messages, it can be difficult to tune out the noise and listen to our own voice. The voice of our intuitive knowing, our real self whose wisdom has been there since day one, but we have slowly learned to tune out as we conform to the demands of others. As a child, we probably didn’t have a choice, so learning to conform was adaptive, sometimes the key to our survival. As adults with more choice in the world, the external voices are joined by an internalized narrative of how or what we should be, and it’s often a narrative of not being good enough, and not aligned with the voice of our truest self. In therapy, I listen for these internal voices - the voices that we’ve taken on but are not really our own

Therapy is for those who've done their best, but they’re still suffering. One of the things I think is overlooked about depression is that is it a very normal reaction to a stressful and painful world. Many suffer neglect or outright abuse in childhood. For others, otherwise well-meaning and loving parents may pass on coping strategies and communication styles that create self-limiting patterns and hinder authentic fulfillment. And for those experiencing significant events, such as the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, or the death of a loved one, the suffering is happening in real time. In addition, others are subjected to ongoing systemic hardship, such as chronic financial disadvantage, or systemic oppression based on race, gender, or sexual orientation. These circumstances are real and valid, and they impact our ability to show up in the world. It’s easy to get into a mindset of not being good enough because we can’t just shrug off our hurt and continue on as if nothing happened. In therapy, I talk a lot about self-compassion - the idea that we deserve compassion and validation for the very real circumstances we are living through, that we often would gladly give to a friend but not ourselves. By learning and internalizing self-compassion we can begin to treat ourselves with kindness and understanding, rather than impatience and criticism. With self-compassion on our side we can nurture and strengthen the resources we need to face whatever life brings our way, lifting ourselves above adversity rather than tearing ourselves down.

Therapy is for those ready for accountability. We have all done things we may regret in the past. The path of least resistance is often to continue to justify behavior, to blame others, to believe we are beyond reproach. And yet a little nagging voice inside may whisper “you can do better.” If you have painful patterns from the past that have hurt yourself, or hurt others, you are still worthy of compassion, and capable of change. Exploring your patterns and holding yourself to a higher standard takes great courage and vulnerability. In therapy, I treat all my clients with gentleness and encourage exploration of even our darkest parts, compassionately holding a mirror to problematic patterns and shining a light towards accountability and change.

Therapy is for everyone. Every person has known suffering. Every human is capable of change. Therapy is the business of supporting, guiding and holding space on your journey. If you are on a journey, therapy is for you.